I thought I could forget about her. I thought I could stop hurting her by pushing her away.

I feel like the empty hole within me just gets deeper. I can't go a single day without feeling like a hollow. Everything seems bleak, meaningless, and uneventful.

The mask I wear is made of false smiles. False emotions. Emotions used to supposedly bring me closer to people, but I really put the mask of a normal life to distance myself further.

Underneath the mask of a common teenage slacker, is a melancholic, cold, callous, dispassionate figure. Rather aloof, brooding, and indifferent, willing to harm both comrade and enemy should they ever get in the way.

I shead that mask when alone and secluded and drift into a nihilistic state. I often awake at midnight, and choose to shut my eyes. I lay there for almost twelve hours, playing the part of a slumbering teen, or I really do force myself back into a deep, dreamless sleep, only to awaken and force myself off the floor upon which I rest and try to "live" for the remainder of the day.

Formless tears fall from my eyes every day. I scream, though nothing escapes my lips. I hate myself, I hate everything around me, I despise
the life I live, yet suicide seems like a pleasure I don't deserve.

I try so hard, yet die in vain. Everyone watches me "live," but each day, each hour, each second, I die.

I'm the only one to blame. I forced the only friend I every truly, fully trusted away. I ran from her, thinking it would protect her from any more pain I would cause her.

She hates me. I hate myself. I continue to walk down into the depths of the pain within the hole in my chest as punishment for my life. I feel as if the sin I pay for with pain is my vary existence.

The cold has become something I can not live without now. I've embraced the isolation. In the past, I physically screamed in pain when alone. Now, the pain is doubled with each second. Yet, the screams have stopped. The tears no longer fall. I... feel almost numb. I go to sleep. I wonder... will I wake up? Should I? Do I even want to? Am I hopelessly blissfully blind?

I fell, I think. I see the sky. The ceiling, yet I can not stand up. Or, do I wish not to?

In the midst of all this, I feel a soothing warmth from my pocket. I always look. It's her necklace. The blue cascades the light back into me. In a soft blue, I'm bathed by memories. The memories that chain me to her, to everyone.

The warmth travels up my arm, slowly, my hand trembles. I turn around, my heart beats, for the first time in a while. Instead of a deep decent in my chest, the pain fades. My heart beat startles me each time, and each time it increases in strength. I hear music. I close my physical eyes, and open my inner ones.

Everything becomes featureless, a strange void with sky of crossing gold and silvers. The ground seems dark, colorless and empty. I feel the sky moving farther. It seems I'm falling, but, I am unable to make sure. I come to a slow halt and hover for what seems like and instant. I lift myself to my feet, and land on a black surface. I remember this place. This is where it all began.

I lift my foot, and place it before me. The ground erupts in a flurry of doves and ravens. This is where, why, and how I came to meet her. I exhale, and radiant bubble dance and lift above me. I whisper her name, and it echoes. The stained-glass floor bursts and my body is engulfed by chains. The glass reforms, and the blue turns to silver. The symbol of our past friendship rests top the circular floor in a circle next to two more, each with the images of two women. One with long, reddish hair looking away to the left, and the other with short black hair fading to pink looking away to the right. Both share the same name, and are the root of the majority of my pain.

The chains tighten, and four ends sink into my being. Two more circle around me, and extend outward to a gold crown above the heart, and form her necklace. The chain begins to move, circulating around my body and the necklace. As each passes through my heart, memories rush into my mind. I begin to feel the pain again, and it drives me into insanity. With each memory, a specific pain is associated with it. Eventually, a crystal, almost glass like, chain enters my arm. It overlays in short bursts each memory before it. I know all too well which memory it is, and I try to stop it from entering my heart. I beg, I pray, and I shout, demanding it to stop, demanding it not to come, but it all is in vain. It enters my heart, and the world around me goes white.

I sit in my desk, and I send a few messages. I walk over to myself, and read my email. I fall to my knees, as I read.

“I read your instant messages. I'm a little sad, but I understand it. Though I admit your timing is impressive considering I just got grounded for a couple of weeks and soon won't be able to use the computer.

But I wanted to say bye. You were a real good friend and I liked talking to you. ^_^ Good luck in life, Andrew.

Fairwell,
Ash"

I finally hear my voice, and it's crying out to her. I beg her not to go. I cry out so much, that I feel the tears streaming down my face mixed with blood.

Ash! Ash, no! Ash! ASH! PLEASE, DON'T GO!

I open my eyes atop another circular plateau of glass. This one is black with gold. Again, the curved heart lines the floor, but it encompasses the majority in a silver color and soft azure glow. Sluggishly, I stumble to my feet, and hear the sound of a church bell ringing in distance above me. As it rings thrice, three empty circles around me converge into one in the center of the floor. A clear, large seemingly glass rose grows, and inside is a chain.

I reach inside and try to grab it, but as my grip encompasses the chain, it explodes with barbs and my heart pounds with pain. I feel the pain of my words that pushed Ash away, and let go of it. Blood trickles down my hand, and I question why I'm going through this. Why I can't stop the pain. Why...why I want to reach inside and extract the pendant.

“Memories like chains the bind people together”

I remember Ash saying that once. I reach inside. I feel the pain even before I grab the chain. My hand is a few inches away, but the barbs extend, and pierce my hand.

I can't... I can't let go of the pain I feel. Pain. Why do I feel pain?

I stop for a minute, and stare at my hand, blood now flowing down the twitching limb.

My fingers drive themselves deeper into the barbs.

I feel pain, because the memories mean everything to me.

I can barely even feel my hand through the pain.

I will never let those memories go. I will always love Ashley. If this is to being me pain, so be it. I will endure the exile, the torment, everything that comes with these memories.

My hand closes on the pendant, and everything shatters around me.

Its only love

I hear that song. The song I wanted to share with her.

Its only love

I pull the necklace closer, and look into the pendant. I see all the good times we shared, all the laughs. I also see the day I felt like I fulfilled my purpose for once. The day I made her happy. When she said, “Your words. They, well... make me feel a little better about...myself.” I could swear I felt her smile then.

I scream with everything I have her name.

Six wings, three black, three white, sprout from behind me, and wrap around me.


I open my eyes. 7:20 AM. Tears are going down my face, and the pain is gone.

Every time the pain feels like it will kill me, like I will lose myself to it, the pendant seems to glow, and my love for her surpasses any pain. I bring the pendant to my vision, smile, a real smile, and kiss it.

“Ash, I love you. I'm sorry”





I'll wear her necklace. I'll look at the pendant, and remember her.
It'll carry me forward when I can't stand anymore. It'll help me to feel that the distance between us isn't so far. When I look at it, I want to cry. I want to scream.
My chest hurts.
I'll keep the story we started together.
I understand why it glows in the story, what it means. It holds the same for this life. This necklace, is my heart, her heart. Its our own kingdom hearts. It represents her heart, and the hearts of the friends who help make her who she is.
It represents my friends, who support me, help me, and heal me.
Most of all, it represents the bond we had. The love I have for her made real. I hoped, that someday, I could give this to her, to always look at, and remember the bonds it holds, and to see that I love her, and always will.
This is love.



If anyone can, please, go to 's page and appologize to her for me for everything I've ever done that's caused her pain.